
: CUPID ABROAD/ ARRESTED: 



BY JUPITER TOMNS DOMERMGEL 



'CUPID ABROAD/ ARRESTED: 



OR, 



A RANDOM BOLT 



HERCULES SAMSON FRESSMARKLE, 



BY JUPITER TONANS DONNERMGEL 



/ 



"Just now I've ta'en the fit o' rhyme, 
My harmie noddle's working prime, 
My fancy yerkit up sublime 

Wi' hasty summon : 
Hae ye a leisure moment's time 

To hear what's eomin ? 

Some rhyme, a ncehors name to lash, 

Some rhyme (vain thought !) lor needru' cash, 

Some rhyme to court the kintra clash, 

An' raise a din ; 
For me, an aim I never flash : 

I rhyme for fun." 



SECOND EDITION. 



•*****''©©© 



GETTYSBURG 
1853. 







RESPECTFULLY INSCRIBED 
TO THE 

STUDENTS OF MARSHALL COLLEGE, 

RY THE AUTHOR, 
JUPITER TONANS DONNKRIIAGKI,. 



CANTO FIRST 



In this progressive age, 'tis not a dream 

That men are born, and bred, and educated 

Up to the fierce velocity of Steam ; 

For Steam's the standard now, by which are rated 

All men and things that are, or only seem 
To be, in science, letters, and inflated 

Puffings of quack-nostrum institutions — 

Oh, Faustus ! save us from these stale intrusions ! 

ii. 

If Steam, then, as I say in my first stanza, 

Controls the modern physical creation, 
And ideal entities, like Sancho Panza — 

The war and politics of this tall nation, — 
I think, without the least extravaganza, 

That Poetry, as well as "Annexation," 
Should be propelled by this great motive force, 
And supercede the use of winged horse. 

in. 

My Muses' chief objection to old Pegasus, 

Is, Hercules has ridden him to death — 
Or nearly so, — and he might break the neck of us, 

If he should fag and fall for want of breath : 
And then, th' Immortal Nine would raise a speck of fuss, 

And doom friend Hercules to poetic death, 
For breaking down their nag with his own weight — 
The heft of Dullness is immensely great. 

IV. 

At least, old Pegasus, if he could talk, 

Would quickly tell us so, beyond a doubt ; 

For he can only go a hobbling walk, 

Since Hercules with "Cupid," rode him out 

From fertile Helicon — (the bulky gawk!) 

To make a tour "Abroad," and on the route, 

To search with diligence for a nonentity, — 

Id est, for M — r — 1 C — 1— e's identity. 



4 

v. 

But come, my verse-compelling, steam-shod Muse, 
And grace my poem with an invocation ! 

By the dread powers of oxygen! infuse 
Poetic steam of bright evaporation 

Into my boiler, that I may amuse 

The courteous reader with a revelation, 

Not quite as misty as "concorporation," 

Or transcendental transubstantiation. 

VI. 

Reviews are necessary things, dear reader, 
Aware of which, I trow, you needs must be ; 

And therefore, I shall not turn "special pleader" 
To prove a thing that's plain as A B C. 

For my own part, I cannot be seceder 

From this clear point upon which all agree — 

That when a verdant Bavius turns out Poet, 

Posterity, at least, deserves to know it. 

VII. 

"But how?" quoth you, — "this thing you must explain." 

Well, here then, is the modus operandi 
Of giving to posterity a name 

Beneath all song : — at least, so understand I 
Why Bavius low still hangs to Virgil's fame, 

Like kettle to a dog — quite admirandi ! 
So come, Fressmarkle ! "go it" o'er the same road 
Like Maevius in Horace's tenth Epode. 

VIII.. 

The dullest task of my dull studious life, 

Was reading the dull blank verse of this glutton,* 

For whose dull genius, as for Willie's wife, 
In sober truth, "I wadna gie a button," 

But it is duller still — (tho' amply rife 

For ridicule) — to scan the lines, and put on 

Such spiceless stuff a name and a location — 

In Shakspeare's words "a local habitation." 



1 ixad "The Argument" that heads each canto ; 

'Twas prepossessing, void of all confusion : 
I liked the plan, and then, well pleased, began to 

Scan o'er the rest : — but O, such execution ! 
• Fressmarkle is (he Pennsylvania Dutch for glutlen 



Not e'en a sign of grace I it can grant to ! 

In short, to end all critical locution, 
One solemn page more of such mock heroics 
Would be the death of nine and ninety stoics! 



But poems must have head, and tail, and middle ; 

So Aristotle oft-times said before me : 
Come, then, my steam-winged Muse! Oh, cease to diddle 

With mischievous reluctance! or to bore me 
With fits, and starts, and fears: — pray, get your fiddle, 

And, hoping Fulton's steam puffs may encore thee, 
Scrape for "Hercules Samson Fressmarkle," 
A tune to make his cod-fish optics sparkle ! 

XI. 

"O temporal O mores!" when a glutton 
Takes up the pen, and condescends to write 

A poem of three cantos, "dry as Hutton," 
In spite of rhyme, "in erring reason's spite," 

Urging old Pegasus, fraught with hard live mutton, 
With cruel spur and lash, to take a flight 

Poetic to '•'•resuscitate Mythology," 

And teach the tender science ywy-ology /" 

XII. 

All hail ! thou mighty Magnus Redivivus ! 

For thou hast done "a feat" both great and rare ; 
That ne'er was done by thunder-armed Gradivus, 

Nor even dreamt of by the hydra-slayer! 
Thou hast revived — (O, Hesiod, forgive us !) 

A microscopic Pantheon upon air. 
But who shall e'er, of beings animated, 
Revive "Mythology Resuscitated '?" 

XIII. 

In faith, I'm rather curious to know 

This luminary's propria persona ; 
And tho' to see his phiz, I ne'er would go 

One tenth the leagues from Venice to Verona, 
Still, I am curious — quite shrewdly so — 

To know if he's the same who oft doth own v 
Most desperately "soft impeachment" case, 
In which he warmly pleads for lender grace. 



XIV. 

Ah M — r — g, they say, "Ac's out of cog" 
Basking, like Zachary, in liis noontide fame: 

But as he fought his Palo Alto in a bog 
Of transcendental dullness, much the same 

As any other noxious, nauseous fog, 

Through which "the shadow of a mighty name" 

Is never seen, I do not rightly know 

Whether his name be Junius or Jim Crow ! 

xv. 

Some say he is a goodly Sophomore, 

His genius, therefore, "cabbin'd, cribb'd, confined" 
In deep night vigils spent at conning o'er 

The mazy mysteries of Newton's mind, 
And endless other mathematical lore, 

Begotten since in ages more refined — 
Parabola, asymptotes, conic sections; 
Roots, powers — and telegraphic interjections! 

XVI. 

His motto is, " Quod erat demonstrandum :" 

But he disgraces it like all creation ; 
For, every problem he has tried his hand on 

Has writhed and groaned beneath the operation, 
Proving the last word should have been errandum, 

Beyond the shadow of a demonstration — 
And then, the tortured problem's rack-confession 
Would benefit himself, and his profession. 

XVII. 

I like quadratics most of all equations, 

E'en more than I dis-like their transformation ; 

I hate Sturm's Theorem, and all innovations 
And Horner 's Method- is my detestation, 

I care not much for such investigations, 
BudarCs Criterion is an aggravation ! 

I hate them all — without discrimination, 

For, really, Huttou is a botheration! 

xvni. 

The calculus is dry beyond description, 

The differential ami integral too; 
A mazy tissue of symbolic fiction, 

A mystic labyrinth of sablest hue ! 



Each college should, beyond all contradiction; 

Have a bright Ariadne with her clue, 
To guide the wildered Thesean Sophomore 
Through Hutton's sinuous tome of scientific lore. 

XIX. 

Two extra syllables crept in that last line : 

This sometimes can't be helped, as you must know , 
For oft 'tis hard to stop the Muse in time, 

When steam poetic forces her to go. 
Another reason, too, I might assign, 

Which, for the present, I might decline to show : 
Though if it should occur for me again, 
You'll please attribute it to my dull pen. 

xx. 

That last verse, too, is hypercatalectic : 

If you do not believe it, finger o'er 
The syllables, and you'll not then be skeptic, 

Provided you can count a full round scored 
E'en tho' my critics should become dispeptic, 

I cannot vouch that there will be no more 
Such palpable poetic deviations, 
Throughout the orbit of my pen's gyrations. 

XXI. 

An ancient saw begins, " Partwiunt niontes ;" 
This, doubtless, was the case in the creation 

Of Samson's poem, — while M — r — l's sapient monkeys, 
And maiden's fair, with bright anticipation, 

Proclaimed its coming birth ! perchance e'en donkeys, 
With voice euphonious, joined in the quotation, 

Which ends — "mus nascitur ridiculus /" 

No wonder M — r — 1 C — 1 — e makes a fuss! 

XXII. 

"I'd rather be a kitten, and cry mew !" 
"I'd rather be a dog, and bay the moon !" 

I'd rather be a frog, and bottle dew, 

Or grand prime laureate to a big baboon ; 

Than puff an "airy nothing" till all's blue, 
Feeding it, like a baby, with a spoon 

Of saponaceous pap — Sam Slick's "soft sqddei" 

For want of real and substantial fodder. 



XXIII. 

I'd rather be a serf, and "fardels bear," 

['d rather go to Texas, and be shot ; 
"Earn dirty bread by washing Etheops fair," 

Or canonize, like Rome, a pontiff sot, 
Than build an institution upon air, 

Whose walls in esse should be — but are not ; 
Whose printed legions rival "Gog and Magog," 
Oh, save the mark ! and vide the Catalogue ! 

XXIV. 

Perhaps friend Samson knows there are few fools 
Upon this lore enlightened, mundane sphere, 

Who are such liberal wights — such downright mules 
As to "fork o'er" the cash they love so dear 

To build for Lilliputian giants, schools, 

That they, with puffs bombastic, may upreav 

Themselves to fame — e'en tho' it be wind-stuffed, 

Such "small fry" gentry should be sadly cuffed. 

XXV. 

But as I said — or was about to say 

In t'other verse — as Samson knows full well, 
There are no liberal apes at this late day, 

Who will their "ready Jo" so cheaply shell 
That puffing pigmies may puff, puff away, 

And, perched on College-alps, may "cut a swell," 
Like pikes a posteriori to a whale, 
Or a tin kettle to a bull-dog's tail. 

xxvi. 

And therefore, he invoked unto his aid 

The immortal Gods from Cupid to Apollo; 

He thought he'd "suck" them — tho' a higher grade: 
Into a scheme e'en mortals would not follow ! 

I blame him not for this — tho' much afraid 
The gods will not the insult tamely swallow ; 

And if I thought he'd be too much abused, 

I'd pray e'en them, that he might be excused. 

XXVII. 

A pigmy giant is no contradiction, 
As I shall briefly now attempt to show, 

Hoping I may impress the same conviction 
Upon the minds of all who choose to know ; 



9 

Ergo, we say sucli creatures are no fiction, 

Just as we said some four or five lines ago, 
For, tho' they're pigmies in all else but hulling, 
They are whelping giants in the art of puffing. 

xx vm. 

Come forth, stale phrase! " Vox et praeterea nihil!" 
My Muse now burns to make the application 

Upon a squad of puffers; but I will 
Endeavor to restrain her inclination 

For wanton sport: and thus, I'll save my quill 
From stirring up this dire organization 

Of stingless hornets into buzzing fury, 

And save my Muse de facto and de jure. 

XXIX. 

Though much opposed to betting, I'll not scruple 
For once, to risk; and "I'll besquar'd by this" 

The stake on my side, shall be sesquiduple 
In weighty talents of old Rome or Greece; 

(Nay, I'd not hesitate to stake quintuple) 
The tenor of the wager shall be this, 

That M — r — 1 C — 1 — e can't convene a quorum 

Of that rare genus, heluo librorum. 

xxx. 

Some words to rhyme must stretch like gum-elastic; 

And some, like student's rights, be syncopated; 
Others, to make a decent agdoastic, 

Must be, like student's wrongs, concatenated. 
This proves the Queen's vernacular is plastic, 

E'en though oi'times the sense be obfuscated. 
My Muse begins — to Hag : and I don't like to beat her, 
Perhaps — she'll "go it" better — if 1 try another metre. 



CANTO SECOND 



Thou hast assumed a most illustrious name, 
And that thou mayest, in part, deserve the same, 
And then retire upon immortal fame, 
I'll give thee opportunity, most ample, 
To prove unto the world a great example, 
Of mighty exploits, wonderful to tell, 
Whose praise may even those of gods excel ! 

Like Linus' pupil, thine adopted sire, 
Thou may'st to immortality aspire ; 
Like him of Gaza, also, thou may'st gain 
A reputation, that shall e'er remain 
A lasting token of thy might and main ; 
And lastly, too, like Milo, thou may'st be 
A marvel unto all posterity, 
If thou respond the queries I indite, 
Apparent to the ken of mortal sight, 
And thereby, read thy title clear, to claim 
The mighty honors of thy trio-name. 

Now, therefore, Hercules, I'd like to know, 
And do entreat, that you will ere long show, 
In prose or rhyme, or logic inference, 
The nice distinctive shades of difference 
Between the term subjective objectivit//, 
And it reversed — objective subjectivity ; 
Between a spiritual "concorp oration" 
And an ideal, abstract impanation ; \ 

Between a puff- raised college and a humbug, ^ 

Between a whiskey barrel and a rum jug ; 
Between Fressmarkle's unweaned alma mater, 
And a small vegetative small potatoe ; 
Between a milk-and-water-gruel apology, 
And a sage doctor's mystic hagiology. 

Between friend Samson's love-lorn doubts and fears, 
And the longevity of Midus' ears; 
Between Alpinus' butchering of Memnon, 1 
And thine, O Hercules, of Cupid — nem. con. ; 
'Tween Rauch-mn plagiarisms dubb'd "German lift' 
And Paddy's jiative-ized by drum and fife ; 



) 



ii 

Between a grand "development historical" 

Anil Sidney Rigdon's visions metaphorical ; 

'Tween Coleridge's "Reason" and his "Understanding,"- 

'Tween Polk's, Scott's, Gaines', and Marcy's widerhanding 

Between a hapless, "hasty dish of soup," 3 

And an hysteric case of While House croup ; 

'Tween Geo. M. Dallas and a clear "gone koon" 4 

(McKay's bill made him dance another tune !) 

'Tween Dixon Lewis and a tivo tons" of blubber," 

Between George Bancroft and a land lubber; 

Between the Rio Grande and Rio Neuces, 

Between the Black, Red, Yellow, and the Blue Seas ; 

Between Calhoun's "masterly inactivity," 

And Ranch's living universe of "activity ;" 

'Tween 49° and 54° 40', 

'Tween Lewis Cass & Co., and the peace party ; ti 

Between Prince Albert and the Queen's "king consort/ 1 

Between a bale of cotton and of comfort. 

Oh, Muse! thy rhymes are positively awful ! 
And I've strong doubts as to their being lawful : 
This mingling politics and metaphysics 
May throw some of my readers into phlhisics. 
And therefore, lest a writ of habeas corpus 
Should scare thee, Muse, into the cholera morbus; 
Or lest some court should file a quo warranto, 
This very line shall end my second canto 



CANTO THIK.1) 



Pray, what's this rout at M — r — g about? 

"Cupid Abroad!" — But here's the whole affair ; 
His mamma quickly knew that ha was out, 

And she did storm and bustle with an air 
Quite Juno like; then fret, and scold, and pout, 

And then, with haste she flew to wheresoe'er 
She thought her precious darling might have strayed, 
Following the footsteps of some beauteous maid. 

ii. 

She sought him ardently far and wide, 

Where Youth and beauty most are wont to rove ; 

Weeping, like Lovell "for his long lost bride," 
She guides her hopeless flight to Psyche's grove, 

But finds him not. "Alas! my boy," she cried, 
"Shall I no more be raptured by thy love ? 

Has thy stern sire removed thee to the skies, 

No more to bless these arms — these tear-dimm'd eyes?" 

in. 

All sad and lonely she resumed her flight, 
Cleft earth's blue ether with her weary wing, 

And just as she was going to alight 

To take a nap — no doubt — or some such thing, 

(For she had traveled far) — she hove in sight 
Of what unto hergrief-swoln heart did bring 

A faint dim throb of hope; for a thing she spied, 

Called "M— r— 1 C— 1— e in its noble pride!" 

IV. 

On hov'ring wing she paused with eager gaze, 
" Where ParnePs top in towering grandeur" rears 

Itself on high ; then, quicker than the rays 
Flung by Hesperus from the sky, she clears 

The height, and with keen gimblet eye, essays 
To trace her naughty boy. At length she Dears 

"The village of fair M—r — g" and then 

She searched it through and through — but all in van 



As Jonah, after his three daifs seclusion, 
"Took a bee-line" for Ninevah ; so she 

With most immediate thoughts of fell intrusion, 
Steer'd straight for M — r— -1, and with brevity. 

Came to this most sapient conclusion, 
To thread the edifice with scrutiny, 

In order to obtain a clue or sight 

Of him she sought — her very soul's delight. 

VI. 

She entered several rooms whose size, or numbers, 
Or inmates, it boots nothing now to tell ; 

And tho' she oft roused nappers from their slumbers, 
(For it was afternoon) — yet naught befel 

Her of success, until some waked-up grumblers, 
Beginning something of the rat to smell, 

Directed her to number twelve, — and there 

She found the rosy god, all plump and fair ! 

VII. 

Now forth she leads the Hero ! Samson's chosen ! 

The "senior-junior, giant dwarf. Dan Cupid !P 
But, lo, my Muse has laughed her steam out ! 

Still she goes on 
Like any thunder storm that ever you did 

See in chase of — there ! she leaps 

like vengeance — thirteen dozen 
Yards clear off the track! 



VIII. 

Repairs go bravely on ! " 

cc a a cc 

" " The hands are hard at work : 

(C cc cc cc 

And pretty soon, she'll "go it with a jerk !" 



u 

IX. 



Ho! clear the track! My Muse's "dander's riz !" 
And she is fairly under way again ; 

She dashes, like a frigate o'er the seas 
Before a high wind or a hurricane. 

And tho'she mostly goes just as I please, ■ 

Still, when her steam is up, she spurns the rein 

Of governor, of safety valve and screws, 

For wheels, cogs, piste-n-rods, and all run loose! 



How sweetly true, — "No plot without a woman !" 
E'en Samson could not rhyme without the arts 

Of "bright celestials" — Greek, Circassian, Roman — 
To "wet his whistle." O, the myriad hearts 

O'er which she reigns supreme! In truth, there's no man 
Stern proof against her smile — or Cupid's darts: 

For woman is, without exaggeration, 

The locomotive power of all creation ! 

XI. 

"There is a tide in the affairs of men :" 

And, "in the affairs of women," too, says Byron : 

Now if these same "affairs" mean love, why then, 
I know there is a tide as strong as iron 

In women's hearts, that gushes out like rain 
Upon their red-hot loves, who take fire on 

The flame thus ardently reciprocated, 

And so they both are love-phlogisticated. 

XII. 

With Virgil I can say — "pars magna' fui" 
Where'er ajfaires d? armour are on the tapis ; 

The dark, the hazel, and the blue eye, 

Whose magic power to fascinate so great is, 

Have thrilled my soul. — Albeit, I scarcely knew why 
The rapture gushing from the orbs of ladies, 

Si ill lingered in my heart when pressed with woe, 

When time's chill gloom but brightened its warm glow. 

XIII. 

My Muse, pray, cease this sentimental rhyming, 

Not that I have to it the least objection ; 
But just because this poem needs some limin 

According to my serious reflection : 



15 

And tho' this canto won't be half so priming 

To what it might be ; still, without protection, 
Who can afford to write? The Tariff's doom is sealed ! 
And British Corn Laws, too. have been repealed ! 

XIV. 

I have not been like Hamlet, "pigeon-livered," 

Nor like him, does my stump goose quill "lack gall ;" 

And all who wish my jingling critique shivered 
With censure's battering ram, just please to call 

At my head quarters, which may be diskivcred, 
By asking any student, great or small : 

And then, without the least evasive caption, 

I'll render honorable satisfaction. 



For, reader, know, that I, like Henry Clay, 

Am held responsible to laws of honor, 
And cannot let an instance pass away 

Of dubious words received — be it in fun or 
Earnest — without proving as clear as day, 

My own proficiency and skill as gunner 
In popping over honorable fools, 
A game that's taught in military schools. 

XVI. 

Old Hickory's trio — "broadsword, rifle, pistol," 
Most worthy arms, if used in self defence : 

Though they oft make punctilios pay their whistle, 
Are the last remedy for impudence. 

Ho ! gallants ! save your marrow-bones and gristle ! 
Or ruffle me, and take the consequence, 

I mostly throw my patients into ague-chills, 

With one strong dose of quick "Galena blue pills." 

XVII. 

J Tis quite a monkey show, in sooth, to see 
Two worthy hot- bloods get into a notion, 

While pondering nonsense o'er their fourth, proof tea, 
That one or t'other's blood must be a lotion 

To wash their mud-stained honor pure and free 
From dirty freckles : then a great commotion 

Forthwith ensues; the meeting hour's appointed. 

And lest an arm or limb should be disjointed — 



16 



XVIII. 



A leech, a brace of pistols, and two friends 

Accompany the worthies to a spot 
Selected for the purpose. — Then each sends 

Just ten sweet seconds e'er he's to be shot, 
A fond love message, which he apprehends 

Will be his last. — O, enviable lot! 
Resolved to die with dignity and honor, 
Each weighs his own capacity as runner! 

XIX, 

The plot now thickens to its tragic close : 

One effort more is made at explanation ; 
'Tis vain : they take their stand as deadly foes, 

They fire! Oh, Thalia! save rjje from the dire narration! 
One combatant is minus half a nose! 

The other, moved with manly consternation, 
Is minus all his dignity and honor; 
And testing his capacity as runner. 

xx. 

He mounts his vehicle in red-hot haste, 

Lo fly the hounds of justice on his track ; 
Thro' cities, towns, and State's, he's madly chased, 

With spotless honor tortured on the rack 
Of skulking fear, until he's caught, and placed 

With kindred felons 'rnong the prison's pack. 
At Bladensburg, Hoboken, Gretna Green, 
Such sights, occasionally, may be seen. 

XXI. 

If I dare mete the duelist his fate, 

I'd blast the dastard with a samiel scorn ! 
I'd rack his bosom with the fiend of Hate, 

Till he would curse his soul from eve till mom ! 
I'd teach all men to spurn the reprobate, 

Till even furies o'er his doom would mourn — 
Until his life a living hell would be, 
And he, in death, a wreck of infamy ! 

XXII. 

1 find I'm serious — tho' without intention; 

For I assure you, that 1 do not intend 
To bring this critique without much detention, 

Unto a speedy, and much-wished for, end.-— 



17 



And f would merely by the way, make mention 

That, as I have no notion to offend, 
I'll publish at this present session's close, 
Hoping it may amuse both friends and foes. 



XXIII. 



I have not done friend Samson justice ample, 

Because I'm in a most tremendous hurry; 
Tho' you may take this as a slight example 

Of what my Muse might do, when in a fury 
Of boiler-bursting vengeance ! She would trample 

Ignoble foes to shame ; and in her flurry 
Of steam-raised "ebenezer" — awful ire! 
Would hurl dread blasting bolts of blazing fire ! 

XXIV. 

Still, "Salus populi suprema lex" 

Is a good maxim— though 'tis rather old : 
At least Mackenzie says so, while he rakes 

With scathing phillipics— quite rashly bold 
Our high Officials— from the Pontifex 

Of the White House, down to the bought and sold 
Tile parasites of Matty Hoyt, and Butler 
The honest, moral, pious, ( ! ) — party sutler ! 

xxv. 
But I've digressed ; for, really, I was going 

To use that Latin phrase somehow or other 
For some one's benefit — perhaps, in showing 

That blue-eyed Pallas had no beaux nor mother, 
But my bright Muse, almost without my- knowing, 

Took a strange freak, that put me in a pother, ' 
To lash the Philistines, the publicans and sinners, 
"The b'hoys," "the workies,"and the "third-ward screamers!" 

XXVI. 

How awful was that stretch for one rhyme ! 

Indeed, I shall be very much astonished 
(Sarp?*ised would be the proper word this time) 

If I escape unscathed and unadmonished 
For perpetrating that most heinous crime 

Of scribblers, which should never be unpunished, 
The crime of torturing the docile Muse 
To rhyme on anything -e'en Turks and Jev/j>! 



18 

XXVII. 

Perhaps my rhyming cannot be defended 

On principles of practical utility ; 
But you'll admit that poems should be mended, 

To show the rampant Muse's bright ability 
In flinging repartee, if not extended 

Beyond the proper bounds of nice civility. 
Now, who'll maintain lhat my most courtly Muse 
Did even aught but tickle or amuse? 

XXVIII. 

Perchance there be some hapless critics, who 
Will try to wreck my rhymes upon the shoals 

Of their grave pates; and thus expose to view 
The beauteous fact that they are sapient fools ! 

Oh, if these carping curs but rightly knew 
How sweetly I despise their silly souls, 

They ne'er would meddle with my poorest ditty, 

And thereby, ne'er excite my scorn and pity. 

XIX. 

I've oflimes coldly bowed, and said — "Farewell!" 
When every life-throb was an age of pain ! 

I've seen eternities of feeling swell 

From Beauty's dark bright eye, as though 'twould drain 

Love's peerless fount of tear-gems! But to fell 
Such parting scenes, affects my heart and brain, 

And therefore, reader, I will part with you, 

Just as I would with an old worn-out shoe! 



NOTES. 



(CANTO SECOND.) 

1 "Between Alpinus' butchering of Memnon." 

"Turgidus Alpinus jugulat dum Memnona," &c. — Hor. Serm. — Lib. I. 
Sat. X. 36. 

2 <« 'Tween Coleridge's 'Reason' and his 'Understanding." 

Altho' this quondam projector of the Utopian " Pantisocracy " has made 
'• the momentous distinction between Reason and Understanding,''' the founda- 
tion of his system of transcendental philosophy ; yet, this important distinc- 
tion, with his accustomed perspicuity, he has nowhere logically defined. — 
Even Dr. Marsh, of Burlington, Vermont, the American editor of his -'Aids 
to Reflection," instead of furnishing us with this desideratum, candidly ob- 
serves : 

"What is the precise nature of the distinction between the understanding 
and reason, it is not my province, nor have I undertaken, to show. My ob- 
ject is merely to illustrate its necessity." 

And yet, the learned editor not only vindicates, but warmly recommends, 
the undefined principles of the work ! 

3 "Between a hapless 'hasty dish of soup." 

We saw it stated lately in some New York paper, that the proprietors of an 
extensive publishing house in that city, were necessitated to take in their 
flaring advertisements of "Mansfield's Life of Scott," in consequence of some 
wicked wags, who in passing, would chalk "Soup! Soup!" underneath the 
title. 

Really, that unfortunate "dish of soup" has cost Scott the Pesidency. 

* " 'Tween Geo. M. Dallas," &c. 

"Damn'd to everlasting fame,'' from which Hannegan's "hand of resurrec- 
tion" can never rescue him! We could almost join in applying to him the 
sentiments of some Marylanders of Cecil County, toasting Aaron Burr du- 
ring his trial at Richmond in 1807 : — "May his treachery to his country exalt 
him to the scaffold, and may hemp be his escort to the republic of dust and 
ashes." 

To several "members of the Republican party" in Hagerstown, inviting 
him to a public dinner, he closes his reply, dated, — Warrenton Springs, Va., 
17th Aug. 1846, with the following : 

"I cannot conclude without thanking you for the reference you have made 
to "the ancient policy and principles of our beloved Pennsylvania," and for 
the distinction you properly draw between that honored commonwealth, and 
those few of her inhabitants who, blinded by sudden excitement artfully fo- 
mented, rushed into courses wholly foreign to her habits and morals. 
****** 

Pennsylvania, in contributing by her electors to station me in the office of 
Vice President, voluntarily transferred a son, whom she rightly recognized 
as always faithful and affectionate, into a sphere where his functions and ob- 
ligations widened far beyond her power, or her wish to control. She never 
dreamt of covertly retaining for the State what she ostensibly gave to the 
Union. She never dreamt of deluding the nation with the semblance of a 
functionary whose mind, heart, conscience, and vote, she secretly kept to her 
own exclusive interests and purposes. She never dreamt of acting herself, 
or exacting from me, a part so disingenuous, disloyal, and dishonorable. No, 
No: — that's not Pennsylvania, and can never be! You have called her "be- 
loved," and she has well earned the epithet by unsurpassed devotion to the 



20 

broadest patriotism, and purest practices of Democracy. Kest assured, that 
she will retain tier title to it, unimpaired by clamor, cupidity or factions." 

Now, if the whole Pennsylvania delegation, senatorial and representative, 
with the exception of the so styled "ceur de lion Wilmot," the atrocity of 
whose perfidy has only raised him from his insignificance to be canonized in 
infamy — we say, if the whole congressional representation of Pennsylvania, 
as the exponents of the united constituencies of the whole State, voted against 
McKay's bill ; how, in the name of James and the Father of Lies, can Vice 
President Dallas refer to these as merely "those few of her inhabitants who, 
blinded by sudden excitement artfully fomented, rushed into courses wholly for- 
eign to her habits and morals?" Verily, according to him, the voters of the 
whole "beloved" commonwealth are guided by naught but "clamor, cupidity 
or factions!" Strange indeed, that "factions" should be so universal in the 
old Keystone ! 

Vice President Dallas has not been censured, as he wishes to convey, nor 
do we censure him for performing an official act in the discharge of a consti- 
tutional duty ; but we renounce and condemn him, for having perfidiously de- 
parted from the avowed principles of his former political life; for having vi- 
olated every moral sentiment of truth, and faith and probity, which is recog- 
nized as sacred among the honorable of human society : and for having be- 
trayed the trust and confidence of those who elected him, by abandoning the 
very principles upon which he was elevated to office. 

s "'Tween Dixon Lewis and 'two tons' of blubber." Dixon H. Lewis. — 
this notoriously great man, doomed to live 

"In the wild tale of endless infamy," 
for being the only one worthy of officiating as alma pater to McKay's bill in 
the Senate, was recently asked by a stranger who was rather more curious 
than polite, "I say, Mister, what might your weight be?" "Two tons !" re- 
plied the honorable Senator, at the same time ejaculating an expletive, by 
way of emphasis, which it would be anything but gentlemanly to repeat. 

6 " 'Tween Lewis Cass," &c. 

In January, 1844, Richard Rush, in a letter to Aaron Hobart, of Boston, 
stated, that after an acquaintance of more than thirty years with Gen. Cass, 
he desired him to be elected ; "Because," said he, "to have a man like him 
President, would be the most likely means of keeping us out of war, under 
the menacing questions that hang over us." 

We rather suspect, that Mr. Rush would scarcely have hazarded this be- 
cause, if he had heard the gallant General's diapason of grandiloquence in 
the Senate last Spring, every passage of which ended with 54° 40' ; notwith- 
standing which, some graceless wags have the hardihood to affirm, that "he 
don't care a rush" about Oregon ! Oh, what cords of "bunkum" are manu- 
factured in these latter days, ad caplandum vulgus ! 

i "No more to bless these arms," 8tc. 

We have, in the present instance, merely because it happened to be so, 
supposed Venus to have taken her abode on earth : in the verses following, 
have endowed her with wings, as a means of locomotion far preferable to the 
usual, unnatural, forced, heathenish dove-drawn chariot. 

A Bow Street runner does not usually drive a coach and four, when in 
chase of a fugitive sharper. Neither should the Queen of Beauty drive her 
coach, when in search of her fugitive sharper. Of course, she must have the 
power to assume or doff her wings at pleasure, in order to make the figment 
admissable. 

We do not care, particularly, to remark anything in the way of extenua- 
tion, for taking this liberty with the goddess ; for, we believe it is pretty 
generally conceded, that the confines of "poetical license," never have, and 
never can be accurately set. 

As for Cupid, his locality is a sort of subjective ubiquity — wherever there 
are pales verdant, and hearts tender, enough to harbor him. 



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